Rejected Hallmark Cards

1. So your Daughters a hooker and it spoiled your day… look on the bright side, she’s a really good lay.

2. My tire was thumping… I thought it was flat… when I looked at the tire… I noticed your cat… Sorry.

3. You had your Bladder removed and you’re on the mends… here’s a bouquet of flowers and a box of depends.

4. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I felt real snippy.

5. Heard your wife left you… How upset you must be… But don’t fret about it… She moved in with me.

6. You totaled your car… and can’t remember why… could it have been… that case of Bud Dry

A Long Hot Bath

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.

Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.

A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.

The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and robe, and the man started for the door again. He took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell backward, and hit his back against the hard porcelain bathtub.

Cursing under his breath, the man struggled into his street clothes and with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor.

After examining him, the doctor said, “You know, you’ve been lucky. Nothing is broken. But you need to relax… Why don’t you go home and take a long hot bath?”

Love and Marriage

In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes. – Elizabeth Ashley

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. – Jim Backus

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. – Honore de Balzac

Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. – Ray Bandy

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. – Baskins

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor’s sixth husband. I know what I’m supposed to do, but I don’t know how to make it interesting. – Milton Berle, when called to the microphone at the 2nd Annual Comedians Hall of Fame Inductions

Love: a temporary insanity often curable by marriage. – Ambrose Bierce

The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from virginity. – Ambrose Bierce

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste. – David Bissonette

Ah Mozart! He was happily married – but his wife wasn’t. – Borge

In the blithe days of honeymoon, With Kate’s allurements smitten, I lov’d her late, I lov’d her soon, And call’d her dearest kitten.

But now my kitten’s grown a cat, And cross like other wives. O! By my soul my honest Mat, I fear she has nine lives. – James Boswell “Life of Johnson”

A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle. – Boudelaire

For a male and female to live continuously together is…biologically speaking, an extremely unnatural condition. – Robert Briffault

My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her. – Lenny Bruce

Never tell. Not if you love your wife… In fact, if your old lady walks in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she’ll believe it: “I’m tellin’ ya.” This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck ‘Lay on Top of Me Or I’ll Die.’ I didn’t know what I was gonna do…” – Lenny Bruce

Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. – Al Bundy

Nothing says lovin’ like marrying your cousin! – Al Bundy

Once a boy becomes a man, he’s a man all his life, but a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife. – Al Bundy

If you are afraid of loneliness, don’t marry. – Chekhov

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. – G. K. Chesterton

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. – Agatha Christie

The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. – S. T. Coleridge

With the Babysitter

A boy is home with his babysitter on a stormy night when the boy says “Usually on a stormy night mommy lets me cuddle with her”. The babysitter responds with “OK”. They are cuddling when the boy says “Usually mommy lets me take a bath”. The babysitter says “ok”. The boy is in the tub when he says “Usually mommy gets in with me”. The babysitter says “Really? ok”. They are in the tub when the boy says “Usually my mommy lets me touch her bellybutton” The babysitter says “Really? ummmmm ok”.

Then the babysitter says “Hey that wasn’t my bellybutton!” The boy says “That wasn’t my finger either.”

I’m Sorry Mr. Sam

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!

“I’m sorry Mr. Sam,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.”

And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man’s distinguishing member. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife.

“I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said, and opened his briefcase.

“Oh, my God!” she screamed, “Sam is dead!”

Who are Einstein and Picasso?

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter says, “You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths some people will go to, to sneak in. Can you prove who you really are?” Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?”
Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really are Einstein! Welcome to Heaven!”

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso asks, “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?” Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.” Picasso erases Einstein’s equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!”

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and says, “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?” George W looks bewildered and says, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?” Saint Peter sighs, “Come on in, George.”

At Any Drugstore

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What’s that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn’t matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.

The pharmacist fainted.

My Husband Works for Microsoft

Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love. The first woman said, “My husband is a psychologist, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that.”

The second woman proclaimed, “My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, but really tunes my engine; I like that!”

The third woman replied, “Well my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good it’s going to be, when I finally get it…”

Man Falls Asleep At Church

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. “Reverend,” she said, “I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?”

“I have an idea,” said the minister. “Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg.”

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. “And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?” he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

“Jesus!”, Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

“Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones,” said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. “Who is your redeemer?” he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

“God!” Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

“Right again,” said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, “And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?”

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, “You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I’ll break it in half and shove it up your ***!”

“Amen,” replied the congregation.

Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes Benz

On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes Benz into a gas station in a remote part of the island.

The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

“Mornin’ bye” says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.

As he does so, two tees fall out out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“What are dey den, son?” asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees” replies Tiger.

“Well, what on de good earth are dey for?” inquires the Newfie.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving” says Tiger.

“Freeckin Jaysus” says the Newfie, “Dem boys at Mercedes tink of everything”.