Rejected Hallmark Cards July 8, 2007

1. So your Daughters a hooker and it spoiled your day… look on the bright side, she’s a really good lay.
2. My tire was thumping… I thought it was flat… when I looked at the tire… I noticed your cat… Sorry.
3. You had your Bladder removed and you’re on the mends… here’s a bouquet of [...]

A Long Hot Bath July 8, 2007

Feeling edgy, a man took a hot bath.
Just as he became comfortable, the doorbell rang. The man got out of the tub, put on his slippers and robe and went to the door.
A salesman at the door wanted to know if he needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the man returned to the bath.
The doorbell [...]

Love and Marriage July 7, 2007

In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes. – Elizabeth Ashley
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. – Jim Backus
No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. – Honore de Balzac
Honeymoon: A short [...]

With the Babysitter July 7, 2007

A boy is home with his babysitter on a stormy night when the boy says “Usually on a stormy night mommy lets me cuddle with her”. The babysitter responds with “OK”. They are cuddling when the boy says “Usually mommy lets me take a bath”. The babysitter says “ok”. The boy is in the tub [...]

I’m Sorry Mr. Sam July 7, 2007

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the longest private part he had ever seen!
“I’m [...]

Who are Einstein and Picasso? July 7, 2007

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter says, “You look like Einstein, but you have no idea the lengths some people will go to, to sneak in. Can you prove who you really are?” Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?”Saint Peter snaps his fingers [...]

At Any Drugstore July 6, 2007

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: What’s that?Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.Lady 1: Where did you get [...]

My Husband Works for Microsoft July 6, 2007

Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love. The first woman said, “My husband is a psychologist, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that.”
The second woman proclaimed, “My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, but really [...]

Man Falls Asleep At Church July 6, 2007

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. “Reverend,” she said, “I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?”
“I have an idea,” said the minister. “Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell [...]

Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes Benz July 6, 2007

On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes Benz into a gas station in a remote part of the island.
The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
“Mornin’ bye” says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick [...]